im going through a lot

When life had brought me to my knees, I didn’t have a choice.. Well, at least, there was only one choice in my book. I could stay down and give up.. Or I could do what I always do and get back up, dust myself off and start again. I stopped holding out for a hero a long time ago and I realized I needed to be my own heroine. I don’t need to be saved or fixed, and most days, I’m not even sure if I want to be loved.. But I do want to be respected, understood and appreciated- I’ll let the rest of life’s stuff work itself out the way it’s supposed to, because I’m not going to worry myself over things I can’t control. People may see my smile and hear my laughter and think everything is just wonderful..and some days, it is. But in those times that get me down, when I’m sad or struggling, they don’t see past my eyes to understand the pain permeating my soul.. And they don’t have to. I’m handling my life like I always do..I figure it out even when I have no idea what I’m doing- which feels like most of the time, to be honest. It’s hard keeping it together when all you want to do is fall apart, So I tuck away those harrowing moments in the quiet times I have.. I’ll cry in the shower, scream loudly when I’m by myself at home, or I’ll just sit and eat a container of ice cream...just because I can- Not because I’m hungry, but because it calms me..somehow. I’ve given up following rules and make my own choices these days. Sometimes you might see me and I look polished and put together-other days, I’m a whirlwind of a beautiful mess. I don’t apologize for who I am or how I carry myself.. Because most of the time, I’m just doing the best I can. Like everyone, I have both happy and sad days, but I look for the good in people and the light in my life wherever it may be shining. So, when you see me, you might never know the type of day I’m having, and that’s okay. I’m going to be fine- I always am. Some days, I’m really happy and those are the good times..which help me get through the harder days. I take my victories when and where I can find them. For me, for now, that will have to be enough. I’ll make sure that tomorrow is always the hope for a brighter day.. I can, and I will..because I always do. ravenwolf