Sporting a purple pin-striped suit and top hat while twirling a cane whimsically, President Biden announced today that he has hidden five golden crack pipes among the millions of taxpayer-funded safe ... View MoreSporting a purple pin-striped suit and top hat while twirling a cane whimsically, President Biden announced today that he has hidden five golden crack pipes among the millions of taxpayer-funded safe smoking kits.
"That's right, my bright, young addicts," said the president while dancing a jig and drooling only slightly, "You could be one of five lucky tent city residents to get your deteriorating fingers on a crack pipe made of goldenly golden gold!"
On the streets of the nation's capital, one lucky recipient—nicknamed "Skillet" by his fellow crackheads—reportedly opened his kit to find a shimmering, golden pipe, ready for use. Dancing for joy among the tarps and cardboard, Skillet thanked Biden for helping him break free of the vicious cycle of drugs, mental illness, and abandonment by helping him smoke more crack.
The White House cited Skillet as just one example of millions of potential lives saved through the Golden Crack Pipe Safe Smoking Kit Magical Sweepstakes, and that this program would be more effective than the silly idea of rebuilding our nation with a strong moral foundation that emphasizes God, family, and personal responsibility.
Skillet could not be reached for comment regarding the program's efficacy, as his friend had stabbed him, then pawned the golden pipe for twenty bucks to score two dimes of crack.
At publishing time, the lucky recipient of the four remaining golden crack pipes was reported to be Hunter Biden.
Notable LGBTQ+ organization G.O.L.D. unveiled an updated Pride Flag just in time for Pride Month in June. The new flag features a capitalized letter "G" to represent the oppressed minority known as "G... View MoreNotable LGBTQ+ organization G.O.L.D. unveiled an updated Pride Flag just in time for Pride Month in June. The new flag features a capitalized letter "G" to represent the oppressed minority known as "Groomers." This marks the first time a letter, rather than a color, has been added to the flag since it was first designed by artist Gilbert Baker in 1978.
The Groomer Flag was designed by Ronald Carson, a turbo-gender artist currently serving time in Michigan State Prison for pedophilia. Carson reportedly spent hours working with an intersex-inclusive flag variation before deciding to just add a "G" to it. Sources confirm he was paid over a thousand dollars for his work.
"This is an outstanding achievement, for both the LGBTQ+ community and for graphic design," said LGBTQ+ activist Chelby Danish. "Finally, groomers—both straight and gay—can feel truly seen. I mean, you can't miss it. The 'G' covers half the flag just like groomers dominate the conversation on LGBTQ+ issues every day."
Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her fiancé were spotted Friday registering for wedding gifts at Tiffany & Co. in Midtown. The happy couple wandered the store with a personal stylist who helpfully cri... View MoreRep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her fiancé were spotted Friday registering for wedding gifts at Tiffany & Co. in Midtown. The happy couple wandered the store with a personal stylist who helpfully critiqued every item they chose, including a custom-made "Tax the Rich" toaster that retails for $10,000.
"Oh, honey! We've got to get that. It's like it was made for me!" squealed AOC as she excitedly dragged her fiancé over to the high-end toaster counter.
The toaster itself features an 18k white gold finish and a built-in touch screen. A series of flawless diamonds spell out the words "Tax the Rich" on the side of the unit. The toaster was designed by beloved Italian jewelry designer Elsa Peretti before she died in 2021.
AOC, who prides herself on being a normal person who is not at all out of touch with the reality of the average American citizen, was reportedly confident that one of her many famous wedding guests would be able to pluck down the cash on the fabulous toaster.
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